


My heart is yours to break

by Mockingbirdblues



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beau is the mvp, Caduceus has a good time and gets taken care of, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fjord is working through some Stuff, M/M, Non-Penetrative Sex, Oral Sex, Trans Caduceus Clay, and also has a lot of feelings, ch 2 is a lot of talking, the Wildmother is a bro, the teeniest mention of disordered eating and alcohol consumption, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:29:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mockingbirdblues/pseuds/Mockingbirdblues
Summary: It took Caduceus a few more seconds to realize he was being propositioned. “Oh,” he breathed.“No pressure, of course,” Pumat said. “We can keep talking, or I could walk you back to your inn, or you can leave, of course.”Caduceus considered those options. He wasn’t one for casual intimacy—he needed time to feel that kind of attraction, and he hadn’t exactly had the chance to bond with many people over the years.Except for one person, specifically.Emotion flared in his chest—not hot enough to be anger, not deep enough to be grief, but bruising and baffling and urgent all the same. Now that it had been offered, a release sounded like exactly what he needed. He turned to Pumat.“Okay.”
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Caduceus Clay/Pumat Sol
Comments: 18
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm only caught up to ep 47, so please excuse inaccuracies. It just seems like Caduceus had a Bad Time on this island and I want to make it up to him. 
> 
> This is partially inspired by a post by @tendermosses on tumblr (who is fantastically talented) and entirely fueled by my desire for Caduceus to relax with someone who thinks he's great and tells him as much. 
> 
> Title is from the song Elmira, by The East Pointers, which I highly recommend for your fjorclay longing needs. 
> 
> (No specific language is used for Cad's anatomy and the explicit parts are very tender because it's what he deserves.)

_"I am tired, Beloved, of chafing my heart against_

_The want of you." - Amy Lowell, The Letter_

The Mighty Nein found themselves browsing the familiar shelves of the Invulnerable Vagrant, occupying a few Pumats’ time with questions about various items. Caduceus wandered the perimeter of the store, letting the warm green and gold tones remind him of evenings in the Grove, when the sun would filter in through the trees at just the right angle to bathe the clearing in honeyed light. 

He felt worn down after everything that happened on Rumblecusp. Worries crowded behind his eyes, making his head heavy and complicated: the strange city, the war, a certain party member whose loyalty seemed to have shifted suddenly and strangely, so he didn’t notice when Pumat prime stepped up beside him and nodded at the item Caduceus had paused in front of. 

“That’s an interesting one,” Pumat noted. “I expected it to go quickly but it’s been here a while. Guess it’s waiting for the right person.” 

“Oh?” Caduceus blinked down at the item. He hadn’t really been seeing it. It looked sharp and dangerous.

Pumat scratched his chin. “Hey, ah, I hope there aren’t any hard feelings, considering what happened last time you were here.” 

Caduceus glanced to where he’d been standing when Jourrael had attacked him. “Not at all,” he said. “If I kept grudges against everywhere someone tried to kill us, my world would be very small.”

Pumat's chuckle was warm enough to pull a reciprocating smile from Caduceus. “Well, that’s good to hear," Pumat said. "It would be a shame to scare off the only other Firbolg who comes through here.” 

Caduceus hummed. It was nice to be around one of his own kind, even briefly. He wondered if Pumat got lonely despite his copies, or if family was family even if you’d magically duplicated them from your own essence. 

Pumat cleared his throat. “You know, I received some items recently that I can’t make much sense of. They’re...druidic, sort of. And I know that's not your expertise exactly, but I don’t remember very much from when I was a kid out in the woods and could use some help. I don’t suppose you all are sticking around for the night? Maybe you could come back once the shop is closed?” 

Caduceus readied a polite refusal. They were heading out in the morning and he needed to sleep if he was going to be of any use on the road. With how poorly sleep had been coming to him, he probably couldn’t afford a late evening. But then he caught sight of Fjord peering over Jester’s shoulder as she handled a glass orb that looked entirely too fragile to be entrusted to her restless hands. Fjord said something too quietly for Caduceus to hear and Jester snickered in reply, nearly dropping the orb—much to the dismay of the Pumat copy looking on. 

Caduceus’ stomach twisted around a strange ache—something that had lodged itself in him on the island and wouldn’t let go. He swallowed, then looked back at Pumat prime, whose kind eyes and quiet smile had not left Caduceus’ face.

“I would like that,” Caduceus said. 

Pumat nodded and grinned. “Great. Much appreciated. We close at 7, feel free to come by anytime after that.” 

It would be a nice distraction, Caduceus decided as he went about the rest of his day. He needed a break from his friends, he needed to not think about the island for a few hours, and he needed to let his feelings breathe before he did something stupid. 

He left the inn just as the others settled down for dinner. 

“You’re going to Pumat’s? After dark?” Jester asked, her mouth half-full. 

Caduceus slid one arm into his coat and hummed affirmatively. “Just to look at some things. Pumat mentioned they came from a forest. He thought I could help.” 

“Oh I’m sure there are a few things you can help him with,” Veth agreed. There was a suggestive leer to her voice that surprised Caduceus.

“Er. Yes?”

Everyone was looking at him. Beau with her eyebrows raised; Caleb, thoughtfully; Yasha with a faint smile. Fjord was busy getting drinks for the table. 

“I...think I’m missing something,” Caduceus admitted. Veth grinned and opened her mouth to reply but Caleb hushed her by gently dropping his hand on her head. 

“Enjoy your evening,” Caleb said. 

“Take your time,” Beau added with a wink, which only baffled Caduceus more. 

The strangeness of Caduceus’ departure faded as he strolled through the dark streets. Night had fallen quickly and a damp breeze skipped over the cobblestones. Caduceus was unnerved by how close it must be to fall; he hadn’t noticed time passing in Xhorhas, or on the island. He shivered, and was grateful when the beacon of the Invulnerable Vagrant appeared around the corner. 

“Just in time,” Pumat greeted as the night dissolved into rain the moment Caduceus stepped over the threshold. “There’s dinner upstairs if you’re interested.” 

“I’m alright, thank you though,” Caduceus replied. His appetite had disappeared on the island. It was something he would worry about when he had more time. He glanced around the shop; it was different with the night closed in around them. Quieter. Safer. He could hear the click of silverware against plates and the muffled notes of conversation from the floor above. 

“Do you mind if I grab something?” Pumat asked. “I got behind this afternoon and didn’t have time for lunch.” 

“Of course not. Don’t let me interfere.” 

“Oh, it’s not interfering at all,” Pumat assured him, confident and easy. He showed Caduceus to the workshop and promised a swift return. 

Caduceus casually glanced over the half-enchanted objects and spell scrolls and stores of components until Pumat returned with a tray bearing a bowl of stew for himself and some bread and cheese for the both of them. He also offered Caduceus a bottle of golden liquid. 

“Lilac mead,” he explained. “If you’re interested.”

Caduceus inhaled softly. “Oh. Wow. I haven’t come across any since leaving home.” 

Pumat nodded, pleased, and poured them both a glass. It was good; sweet and not especially alcoholic, achingly similar to what the Clays made from their own honey. The taste of it imbued Caduceus with memories of summers past, but they soured as guilt and homesickness rushed in, eager to remind him of his shortcomings.

Caduceus focused his attention on exploring the workshop while Pumat ate, then he settled down on a bench to examine the items Pumat had mentioned. There were a few books related to ancient druid magic, an amulet of a tree wrapped around a strange, dark green crystal, and a thin piece of metal bearing organic runes that puzzled both Pumat and Caduceus. 

They spent hours discussing the items. Pumat asked Caduceus about the Wildmother and her magic and the Grove with an interest and earnestness that Caduceus wasn’t accustomed to. Caleb and Beau could sometimes delve into discussions about arcane phenomena, but Caduceus usually wasn’t able to keep up with the book-learned magic, as Caleb called it, and nobody else was interested in his kind of magic: green, living, divine. Well, except Fjord, of course. 

“Oh, hey, you okay there?” Pumat asked when Caduceus’ expression morphed from interest to distress. 

Caduceus nodded. “Yes, sorry, ah, I guess I’ve got a bit on my mind.” 

Pumat hummed sympathetically. He sat down across from Caduceus, who studied his drink and tamped down the anxiety that coiled behind his ribs.

“I suppose it’s been a long few weeks?” Pumat guessed, his tone undemanding. Caduceus was confident that he could refuse to talk about it and Pumat wouldn’t push. They could finish their work and Caduceus could walk back to the inn in the dark, cold, rain, to sleep across the room from Fjord, who he seemed to understand less and less with every day that passed. 

Caduceus sighed. “Sort of.” 

Pumat hesitated a moment, then he sat beside Caduceus. He folded his limbs close to himself with practiced awareness, leaving an arm's length between him and Caduceus. 

“I know we don’t know each other very well,” Pumat began, “but I can be a pretty good listener, if there’s anything you feel like getting off your chest.” 

Caduceus rested his chin in his hand and laughed humorlessly. “I’m a pretty good listener too. It’s...funny...how hard it is to get on the other side of that.” 

Pumat hummed again, affirming, inviting. Caduceus could feel the weight of the words on his tongue, but his thoughts spun too rapidly to nail down. Where would he even start? 

_I’ve fallen for someone who I kind of thought might like me back, but now he’s...different and I don’t know what happened._ Or, _I’ve been having nightmares so strange and so terrifying that my goddess doesn’t even know what they are._ No, farther back. _I’m on a mission and I feel like I’ve barely made any progress since I left home. My family was trapped for years and I had no idea. I just sat, drinking tea and tending graves while they were in mortal danger._ _I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t know if I can succeed at anything._

“Or,” Pumat said, interrupting Caduceus’ spiral. He cleared his throat and rubbed his jaw, almost shy. “If you don’t feel like talking, I could always offer a...distraction instead.” 

Caduceus tilted his head. “A distraction?” 

Pumat chuckled nervously, looking anywhere but Caduceus’ face as Caduceus watched him flush. “I mean, if you’re interested. You’re...lovely. I’d like to unburden you some, if I can. If you want me to.” 

It took Caduceus a few more seconds to realize he was being propositioned. “ _Oh,”_ he breathed. 

“No pressure, of course. We can keep talking, or I could walk you back to your inn, or you can leave, of course.” 

Caduceus considered those options. He wasn’t one for casual intimacy—he needed time to feel that kind of attraction, and he hadn’t exactly had the chance to bond with many people over the years. 

Except one person, specifically. 

Emotion flared in his chest—not hot enough to be anger, not deep enough to be grief, but bruising and baffling and urgent all the same. Now that it had been offered, a release sounded like exactly what Caduceus needed. He turned to Pumat. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Pumat smiled. “Great. Erm, well, we can finish this, or we can relocate...” He nodded toward the second floor. Caduceus was standing before Pumat could finish his thought. Pumat gathered the dishes and led Caduceus up the stairs. The copies had retired hours ago and the kitchen was dimly lit. Pumat deposited the plates in the sink, then took Caduceus down a short hallway to a cozy, surprisingly private bedroom. 

The bedroom was sparse but lived-in. Pumat had decorated with a few meaningful items: small trinkets, books, candles. The room smelled faintly herbal, almost familiar. Pumat touched Caduceus’ elbow to get his attention. 

“Not to be rude,” Pumat said, apologetic. “I just want to make sure you’re okay? This isn’t just the mead, right?” 

Caduceus shook his head and offered his own smile. He was warm, sure, but his judgement was his own. “I’m good. I’m here. Ah, I am a bit...unpracticed. If we could go slow?” 

Pumat’s expression softened. “Of course.” He extended his hand. Caduceus took it, charmed by the simple gesture of affection. Pumat tugged him close. Caduceus rested his free hand on Pumat’s shoulder. They were face to face; Caduceus had almost forgotten what it was like to not tower over someone. 

“Can I kiss you?” Pumat asked in a low whisper. Caduceus nodded. Pumat squeezed Caduceus’ hand, then tilted his head and leaned in, gentle, easy, pressing a soft kiss to Caduceus’ mouth before pulling back, watching for Caduceus’ reaction. 

Caduceus moved his hand to cup Pumat’s jaw, steadying himself as he leaned in for a second kiss. They stayed close this time, foreheads and noses brushing in between quiet kisses until Caduceus’ grew restless. He stepped away and wandered toward Pumat’s bed—Firbolg sized, for once. He perched on the edge, then couldn’t resist and flopped into the middle, luxuriating in the size of it. Pumat chuckled as he sat on the opposite edge. He smoothed his hand across the heavy quilt. 

“I had to make it myself, plus three for the others. Took a lot of wood to get done.” 

Caduceus sighed in agreement and closed his eyes, just resting for a moment. "Sorry," he gasped, jerking back to himself when he felt his mind drifting. Pumat had asked him to bed for more than dozing. He turned on his side, hoping he hadn't upset Pumat too much. 

Pumat simply smiled at him, fond, open. “You’re sure about this?” he asked as he lay beside Caduceus. “You’re welcome to just sleep here if you want.” 

Caduceus propped himself up on his elbow and shook his head. “To be honest, I’m not sure when this opportunity would come up again. I don’t want to waste it.” 

“Sure,” Pumat agreed, and went willingly when Caduceus nudged him onto his back so he could lean over him. 

Caduceus didn't have much experience with physical intimacy, but it wasn’t difficult to follow Pumat’s lead, trading a touch for a touch, a kiss for a kiss, gradually building in heat and comfort. Caduceus skimmed his hands down Pumat’s chest, appreciating the broad bulk of him while Pumat traced the finer lines of Caduceus’ body. 

“Can I get you out of this?” Pumat asked, breathless, his voice even lower than usual as he tugged at Caduceus’ tunic. 

“Only if you do the same,” Caduceus bargained. Pumat grinned up at him. “Deal.” 

They stripped out of their respective tops and met again in the middle of the bed. Pumat took his time drawing his palm across Caduceus’ chest, pausing to rub a calloused thumb against one soft, pink nipple. Caduceus exhaled shakily and let Pumat maneuver him onto his back. 

“Gorgeous,” Pumat murmured as he trailed a line of kisses from Caduceus’ jaw to his shoulder.

“You as well,” Caduceus replied. Pumat huffed a soft laugh. Caduceus squirmed, urging Pumat up for another kiss. Caduceus felt weightless, like sunlight had gotten under his skin and was warming him from the inside out. He’d expected this to be more nerve-wracking, but it was impossible to feel unsettled under Pumat’s grounding presence. 

“Tell me what you like,” Pumat urged when they paused for breath. 

“You first.” Caduceus knew what felt good when he touched himself—it wasn’t especially complicated—but he’d never been responsible for someone else’s pleasure. 

“Well,” Pumat stalled, shy again. “I’d like to get my mouth on you, and then, you’ve got lovely hands. Maybe..?”

“You like my hands?” Caduceus pulled one back to look at it. “Huh.” 

Pumat hummed, color rising in his cheeks, and ducked his head to kiss Caduceus’ collarbone. “Your turn,” he muttered against the hollow of Caduceus’ throat. 

Caduceus trailed his fingers down Pumat’s spine, thinking. Pumat waited patiently, content to rest his forehead on Caduceus’ shoulder until Caduceus replied.

“I like your hands too. I think I'd like it if you touched me first. I, ah, might take a few more minutes to...warm up.” 

Pumat nodded. He sat up and smiled down at Caduceus. “You wanna take these off?” He asked, thumbing the fabric of Caduceus’ pants. It took some undignified wriggling, but Caduceus was happy to pull Pumat close once he was bare except for his underclothes. Pumat settled gently between Caduceus’ legs, adjusting until they were both comfortable. They kissed again, easing back into a rhythm until Caduceus shifted his hips, encouraging. Pumat chuckled. His hand drifted down to the hem of Caduceus’ shorts. 

“Over or under?” 

Caduceus relaxed the tension that had crept into his shoulders. “Over, for now, if that’s okay.” 

“Of course,” Pumat rumbled fondly. He swept his hand across Caduceus’ hips and inner thighs, letting him get used to his touch before he ventured lower. 

Caduceus wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. He was pleasantly warm, enjoying the sensation that built as he rocked into Pumat’s hand. When Pumat paused, smiling apologetically and flexing his wrist, Caduceus took the opportunity to shed his last layer of clothing. 

“Does your offer still stand?” he asked, watching Pumat for any hesitation as his gaze skipped to what lay between Caduceus's legs.

“Oh, absolutely.” 

Pumat kissed from Caduceus’ sternum to his hips, but tempered his enthusiasm until he got another nod from Caduceus. 

Caduceus sighed tremulously when the warmth of Pumat’s mouth met his slick skin. Pumat glanced up at him, concern flashing across his face. 

“That’s...very nice,” Caduceus reassured in a rough whisper. Pumat smiled and dutifully turned his focus to the task at hand. 

Caduceus closed his eyes and arched his back. He felt a little adrift, not having control over the stimulation and not knowing exactly what the next touch would feel like. It wasn’t bad, just odd. Before long, he felt a familiar warmth building, rising, almost cresting.

“Ah-wait-” he gasped, tensing his knees around Pumat to stop him. 

Pumat sat up. “Are you okay?” 

Caduceus nodded, raked his hand through his hair, and exhaled a big, calming breath. “Yes, sorry, I just don’t want this to be over yet.” 

“Oh.” Pumat looked relieved. He rubbed Caduceus’ thigh reassuringly. “That’s fine, but, for the record, if you want more than one I’m happy to oblige.” 

Caduceus blinked, taken aback. “You don’t have to do that.” 

Pumat squeezed his knee. “I’d like to, if you want me to.” 

“Well, if you're sure." Caduceus cleared his throat and relaxed his knees. 

Caduceus’s first orgasm felt like it knocked all of the tension inside of him loose. It took him a few seconds of hazy blinking and rapid breathing to come back to the bedroom. Pumat shifted to lay beside him again and rubbed slow circles over the jut of his hipbone until Caduceus turned to him. 

“What can I do for you?”

Pumat sat up against the headboard and guided Caduceus to straddle him, leaving enough room between them for Caduceus to get his hand around Pumat. Caduceus watched Pumat's reactions, and was grateful for Pumat’s whispered encouragement and guidance. He liked seeing Pumat’s eyes flutter closed, hearing the soft groans Pumat let slip when Caduceus’ pace and pressure was just right, and feeling Pumat’s hands tighten on his hips as his breath stuttered.

Pumat stilled Caduceus’ hand before he finished. “I don’t want this to be over yet either,” he said when Caduceus looked worried. “Can I touch you again?” 

Caduceus came on Pumat’s fingers, gasping and shuddering as another fragment of tension melted away. Pumat kissed him through it, held him close, and murmured sweetly in Giant as he traced the delicate curve of Caduceus' ear. Caduceus came once more after long, luxurious moments grinding in Pumat’s lap, their foreheads pressed together, Pumat's hands guiding their movement and ensuring Caduceus had the friction he needed even after Pumat reached his end. 

They flopped down together, boneless, catching their breath, savoring the last lingering aftershocks until the midnight chill of the room became uncomfortable. Pumat provided a warm washcloth to clean them up, then folded the blankets over both of them and welcomed Caduceus curling into his embrace. Caduceus could hear rain falling steadily as the room quieted down. He was warm and wrung out, his anxiety nothing more than a distant rumble of thunder.

“You can stay if you want,” Pumat said through a yawn. Caduceus yawned as well and briefly considered trekking back to the inn. His friends would be insufferable in the morning if he didn’t, but Pumat’s bed was warm and safe, and he felt himself teetering on the edge of sleep. 

“Thank you.” 

Pumat mumbled something that sounded like “no problem” with half the letters incomprehensibly slurred under his accent. Caduceus smiled. He turned his back, settling on his more comfortable side, and closed his eyes. 

Rain fell with renewed vigor over the sleepy town. It danced off rooftops, roared through gutters, and tapped against the windows of the Invulnerable Vagrant until Caduceus stirred. Caduceus opened his eyes to indigo shadows in an unfamiliar room, but the weight of Pumat’s arm around him reminded him where he was. He closed his eyes again, hoping he could slip back into the best sleep he’d had in weeks, but his body protested. He sighed, took his time untangling himself from the sleeping Pumat, and eased his way across the room until he found the door to the washroom. He didn’t bother trying to hunt for his clothes in the dark. 

“Mornin’,” Pumat mumbled when Caduceus rejoined him in bed. He squinted out at the dark sky and amended, “well, not quite yet.” Caduceus chuckled, burrowed back into the warm blankets, and tried not to listen to the voice in his head that berated him for not hurrying back to his friends. 

“The others will have breakfast ready before they open the shop,” Pumat whispered, unwilling to break the spell of not-quite-dawn as he tucked Caduceus’ hair behind his ear to see his face better. “It’s nothing too fancy, but we have coffee and tea. You’re welcome to it.” 

“Thank you,” Caduceus said. “But I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

“You can take all the time you want,” Pumat assured, kissing Caduceus’ forehead and sliding his arm to curl loosely around Caduceus’ back. “At least stay till it’s light?”

“That’d be nice,” Caduceus agreed. Pumat traced wide, soothing circles on Caduceus’ back and Caduceus sighed, relaxing under Pumat’s steady hand. It felt nice to have someone else ground him, just for a little bit. He loved his friends; he loved helping them and listening to them and watching them change for the better, but it had been a lot, lately. 

He’d been asked for so much. And he’d done his best to give it, but there had been moments when he’d had to reach into reserves he was sure were dry. Even though things had worked out, he couldn't go a day without remembering the feeling of stepping off that ledge and having no idea if he had enough magic or energy or faith to catch him.

He wasn’t sure that he could do that again, if asked. 

He wasn’t sure that he wanted to. 

Despite Caduceus’ worries, the sound of rain and Pumat’s slow, easy breathing lulled him back to sleep. He woke hours later when Pumat reluctantly slipped out of bed to dress and get ready for the day. Dawn has found its way through the rain, though the world outside was still grey and cold. Caduceus stretched, noted the pleasant aches where his body remembered Pumat’s hands and kisses, and smiled at Pumat when he caught the other man watching. 

“You really are welcome to wait out the weather,” Pumat offered, handing Caduceus his clothes so he didn’t have to leave the nest of blankets just yet. “The others won’t ask any questions.”

“That’s alright,” Caduceus said as he shrugged into his tunic. “We’re supposed to head out this morning. I’m actually a little surprised-"

As if on cue, Jester’s voice sounded in Caduceus’ head. “Caduceusss. Um hiiiiii we just wanted to make sure you weren’t deaddddd because nobody’s seen you so I don’t think you came back to the inn and-” 

There was a brief silence when Jester got cut off and had to recast the spell. It was just long enough for Pumat to ask, “Caduceus?” But before Caduceus could reply Jester was talking again. 

“Annywayssss, Beau is yelling at me for bothering you which is very rude since you _could_ be dead somewhere, or, I guess, this spell doesn’t work on dead things so you’re probably not but who knows-”

Caduceus sighed when Jester got cut off again. “I’m okay Jester,” he Sent back. “I’ll be there soon.” 

Caduceus stood under the shop's awning and peered warily up at the heavy, restless sky. It had stopped raining but Caduceus guessed that wouldn't last long. “Thank you again for a lovely evening," he said.

“It was my pleasure,” Pumat replied. “You’re welcome any time. Good luck wherever you all end up next.” 

The wind picked up while Caduceus walked. He hurried, but didn’t make it to the inn before the sky opened up and rain soaked him through. The Mighty Nein were sitting at a table in the dining room, nearly finished with breakfast when Caduceus arrived. Jester’s grin was blinding, Veth looked smug, Beau looked apologetic, Yasha looked tired, and Caleb was reading. 

“Good morning Caduceussss,” Jester greeted as Caduceus approached. “Why are you all wet?” 

“It’s raining.” 

“How was your night?” Veth asked, earning a half-hearted swat from Caleb as he turned the page of his book. Caduceus shifted and his boots squelched.

“It was nice.” 

“Niicceee?” Jester echoed, raising her eyebrows. 

Caduceus sighed. “I’m going to get changed.” 

Caduceus wasn’t expecting Fjord to still be in their room, so they both startled when they collided in the doorway. Fjord reached out instinctually to keep Caduceus from stumbling backwards. 

“Shit, sorry, didn’t hear you.” He frowned. “Wait, why are you soaking?” 

Caduceus blinked. “It’s raining.” 

“Oh. Right.” Fjord let go of him and stepped back, letting Caduceus into the room. Caduceus expected him to go downstairs with the others, but Fjord lingered. 

“Are you, uh, good?” He asked while Caduceus had his back turned. Caduceus turned to face him, halfway through peeling out of his wet clothes. Fjord averted his gaze when Caduceus’ eyes met his. He was blushing, maybe, it was hard to tell at this distance. Caduceus wondered how Fjord would react if he was honest. _I slept with Pumat and it was excellent,_ ~~_but part of me wished it was you._ ~~

“Just, I mean, since you didn’t come back last night,” Fjord explained. 

“Oh.” Caduceus’ head spun as he tried to interpret the mix of worry and uncertainty he heard in Fjord’s voice. “It was late, and raining. I decided to stay.” 

“Cool. Yeah. Good call.” Fjord hesitated again. There was more he wanted to ask; Caduceus could see him struggling with it, but eventually Fjord just rubbed the back of his neck and stepped out of the doorway. “I’ll let you change. See you down there.” 

Caduceus wanted to call after him, wanted to urge him to say whatever he was holding back. Maybe he would like what he heard, maybe he wouldn’t, but anything would be better than the wave of cold that washed over him when Fjord shut the door. 


	2. It'll all make sense again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me after finishing ch1: I'm going to be chill for once and leave a slightly unresolved ending to this. It's okay for threads to dangle sometimes. Life is messy and full of mystery.  
> Me 2 hours later: Never mind. Need resolution. 10 pages of emotional dialogue, anyone?
> 
> Chapter title from Secret For The Mad by Dodie.
> 
> (Thank everyone so much for the feedback on chapter 1!! I'm so glad we all agree that Cad deserves the world and as many boyfriends as he wants.)

_Bless each thing on earth until_

_each ungovernable heart admits: “I confused myself_

_and yet I loved.”_

_-A Toast, Ilya Kaminsky_

  
  
  


There was something comforting about being back on the road. The Mighty Nein collectively took a breath and shook off the nervousness they’d grown accustomed to on the island. Beau didn’t hold her shoulders quite so tight, Caleb let himself read something other than his spellbook, Jester and Veth spent an entire afternoon pausing every time they spotted a patch of late-season wildflowers so they could select the best ones for braiding into hair that evening. The challenges that lay ahead still loomed as dark and impossible as they had been before, but for now as long as the party had a fire to warm them at night and jokes to throw back and forth during the long hours of travel, all was well. 

Mostly. 

Beau cornered Fjord while he was gathering kindling. He didn’t notice her approach, and startled when she cleared her throat behind him. His armful of sticks scattered across the clearing. 

“Fuck, Beau! What was that for?” 

Beau grabbed his shoulder and hauled him to a fallen log. “Sit with me.” 

Fjord sat, trying to figure out what he’d done to piss Beau off badly enough that she had snuck away to find him. Beau did not look at him. 

“Why are you being so weird to him?” 

“...Pardon?” 

Beau leaned back on her hands. “Don’t do that.” 

Fjord frowned. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Beau rolled her eyes. “You’ve barely spoken to Caduceus since we left Zadash. You won’t sit near him _and_ you changed your watch shift to get away from him. What gives?” 

Fjord sputtered. “What? No, none of that’s—I haven’t been _weird._ ”

Beau allowed a beat of silence to let Fjord wallow in how ridiculous he sounded. “Now that you’ve got that out of your system, are you going to tell me what’s really going on?”

Fjord scowled. 

“Is it because he hooked up with Pumat?” 

Fjord sputtered again. “No!” he insisted. “Why would I care about that? He can do what he wants.” 

Beau hummed. “Yeah. Why would you care?”

Fjord stiffened. “If you have something to say, Beau, say it.” 

Beau kicked at him, her strike just boarding harmless. “Jealousy isn’t a good look for you.” 

“I’m not jealous.” 

“Oh, okay. Good. Because it would be pretty shitty of you to let him flirt with you mercilessly for months and lead him on with all the gushy Wildmother stuff just to turn around and get mad when he finally starts reaching out to someone who might like him back.” 

Fjord’s heart hammered in his chest. His throat went dry. “He doesn’t...does he..? Me?” 

“Fjord. Gods. He looks at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He literally called you a miracle like, two weeks ago. Dude. Come on.” 

“That’s just how he talks!” Fjord protested. “And he looks at everything like that.” 

Beau’s frustration was palpable. “Look, it’s fine if you don’t feel that way about him, but you have to let him move on. Freaking out about the Pumat thing isn’t fair.” 

“I’m not freaking out-” Fjord caught the subtle tensing of Beau’s muscles as she debated whether to try knocking sense into him. “-About Pumat,” Fjord finished quickly. He inhaled, exhaled, stared at the ground, and spoke his next words quietly.

“I’m freaking out about...me.” 

Beau relaxed. “Okay…You wanna elaborate on that?” 

Fjord groaned and rubbed his face. “I don’t know. I feel...something, some way. It’s confusing as fuck.” 

Beau grunted empathetically. 

“I just…” Fjord grasped for words. Caduceus had saved his life countless times, countless ways, seen him helpless and bloody and cowardly and reckless, and yet he still thought Fjord was worth treating gently. 

Fjord didn’t know what to do with that. 

He wasn’t completely blind; he saw how Caduceus smiled at him sometimes, and yeah, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling back in the same stupidly fond way. He didn’t want to stop himself. Not really. 

But it scared him. 

It didn’t make sense. Caduceus was wise and powerful; the way he wielded magic, the way he communicated with the Wildmother and always seemed to have answers to questions Fjord struggled to even verbalize, it was all so much more than what Fjord could offer him. When Caduceus had been swimming toward his possible doom Fjord had expended every ounce of magic he had and it still hadn’t been enough. Caduceus had needed him, and Fjord had failed, so why risk disappointing him again? 

Fjord loved Jester. He knew how to be with her, and they were good together; she’d been with him from the start, bright and strong and brilliant. When he thought about a future with her he knew what to hope for. It felt familiar. But he loved Beau too, and Caleb and Yasha and Veth. How could he not, after everything they’d been through?

It was different with Caduceus. 

If Fjord let himself prod his feelings for Caduceus they just kept going, deeper and deeper and deeper. They pulled at him like a rip tide and he had no idea where they might carry him. 

“I don’t want to hurt him,” he said eventually. 

Beau huffed. “You’re hurting him now.” 

"I don’t know what to do,” Fjord groaned.

“Do whatever you have to do to sort your own bullshit out,” Beau advised. “But maybe...do it quickly, or at least stop being an asshole. I hate seeing him all sad and heartbroken.” 

Fjord grumbled. 

“Didn’t catch that, Cap’n.” 

“I’m not trying to be an asshole.” 

“Oh, well you’re a natural then. I’m impressed.” 

Fjord glared at her. Beau grinned back at him. 

The next day, one of the horses came up lame. 

“Just a stone bruise,” Caduceus revealed after stroking the horse’s neck and nodding along to a conversation nobody else could hear. “I’ll heal it, but we should stop for the day.”

“It’s only noon,” Fjord said, though he patted the horse apologetically. 

“Twelve twenty three,” Caleb corrected. 

Caduceus shrugged. “I’ll make lunch.” 

They set camp beneath the shade of maple trees just starting to grow into their autumn colors. Fjord noticed cool air coming from the south and wandered toward it, hoping it might be the opportunity he’d been waiting for. 

A stream wound through the trees. Fjord took his time following the water until he found a flat boulder below the lip of the steep, grassy bank that would allow him to get closer. Fjord sat cross-legged on the rock. Below him, the water flowed over a shallow bed of pebbles, creating a welcome backdrop of noise. He glanced around his surroundings to ensure he hadn’t been followed, the he closed his eyes, bowed his head, and folded his hands in his lap. 

He focused on the sounds of the forest and tried to block out any thoughts or feelings that weren’t relevant to this exact moment in the present. He tried to breathe like the ocean, like waves crashing steadily against a shore. 

“Hi. Um. Wildmother, ma’am,” he began in a whisper. “This is probably way below your pay grade, but I could use some...advice...or guidance...or something. And if you don’t really want to do it for me, that’s fine, I get it, I’m still not very good at this. But this isn’t just about me. It’s about Caduceus too.” 

Fjord sat in silence, determined, ignoring the nagging voice that reminded him that he'd never been able to reach Her without Caduceus to help. The woods were motionless around him. He was about to give up when a soft voice sounded on the wind. 

“Speak.” 

Fjord gasped. “Oh shit! It worked!” He barked a laugh, shattering the quiet calm. “Oh, fuck, sorry.” He resumed his meditative position and squeezed his eyes shut. “Please don’t be gone, please don’t be gone.” 

The voice sounded again, bemused. “I am here.” 

Fjord sighed, relieved. “Oh, wow, okay. Yeah. Great, um, thank you.” He took a deep breath. “Okay.” And another.

“Fjord,” the voice urged. 

Fjord's stomach was in knots and his palms were sweating. He could barely hear himself over the roar of his pulse in his ears. “This is going to sound dumb when I say it, so don’t way I didn’t warn you. I...ah. I like Caduceus. I think I love him, and I’ve been shying away from that because I’m a fucking mess, and I feel like I’m just going to let him down. And I just. I don’t want to ruin everything, but I guess maybe I already have. Can you tell me if I can fix this? Should I even try?” 

The Wildmother was quiet for a long moment. Fjord tensed every muscle, waiting for her to smite him or take back her protection or drown him as punishment for bothering her. 

The wind sighed, exasperated, but still warm. 

“Do not fear your own heart,” the voice said as it faded, leaving Fjord in silence again. He held his position, waiting to see if She would come back. 

She didn’t. 

Fjord opened one eye, wary, and then the other. Fish darted in and out of the shadows below him, their scales reflecting the rays of sunlight that trickled through the canopy. Fjord sighed and dropped his head into his hands. There was plenty to be afraid of in his heart. The Wildmother knew that—seed of darkness inside of him and all. He didn’t feel any better, and he grumbled as he got to his feet. 

But then something caught his eye: a flash of color hidden among the rocks that hadn’t been there when he sat down.

“Huh.” Fjord reached into the cool water and pulled out a fragment of a seashell. It's outside was pale and ridged, but the inside revealed a familiar shade of pink. Fjord closed his hand around it. "Alright. Message received." 

Fjord was sitting next to Beau when he got his chance. Across the campfire, Caduceus offered to refill the party’s canteens. Fjord stood abruptly and blurted, “I’ll help.” 

Caduceus blinked at him, surprised. “Oh. Okay.” 

Fjord was rooted in place. He’d forgotten how to move. 

Beau prodded his back with her canteen. “Don’t be an asshole,” she whispered before pushing him forward. 

They worked in quiet tandem, Fjord leading the way through the twilight shadows, Caduceus following behind with practiced trust until they reached the same stream Fjord had found earlier that day. They split the canteens between them and lay on their bellies in the grass, stretching down to dip each container in the water until each one was full. Fjord counted down in his head a hundred times. _One, two, three, say something._ And choked on his silence every time. 

Caduceus hummed absently under his breath while he screwed the last canteen shut. An owl called above them, startlingly close. Caduceus craned his head toward the sound. Fjord watched him, silhouetted against the last rays of daylight as if the sun was reluctant to let him go, and found his words.

“I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting. You don’t deserve that.”

Caduceus flicked his ears and turned to look at Fjord, taking a moment to make sure he’d heard right. 

“Oh. Um. Thank you.” He smiled hesitantly. “I was afraid you were mad at me.” 

“No! No, gods, I just-” Fjord lifted his hand to pick at his tusk. Caduceus frowned. Fjord corrected himself and clawed at a callus on his hand instead. “You scare me.” 

Caduceus flinched. 

Fjord hurried to explain. “You scare me because you make me feel things I’ve never felt for anyone else. I panicked. It felt like too much, and that’s why I tried to put some distance between us, but I never wanted to hurt you and I’m sorry that I did.” 

Caduceus stared at him. Fjord continued before he could lose his nerve. 

“You’re incredible. I feel like I could live a hundred lifetimes and never be half as good of a person as you are. And I’m…well. I didn’t want to hold you back.” 

“What?” Caduceus took a step forward. “Fjord, you impress me every day.” Caduceus paused thoughtfully, then continued. “...Most days. But there aren’t many people who could overcome everything you’ve faced and still be kind on the other side. You haven't held me back. ” 

Fjord’s skin itched the way it always did when Caduceus said things like that to him. Self-doubt swelled behind his ribs and made his chest heavy. Fjord exhaled, shaky. He pulled the seashell from where he’d tucked it into his belt and held on tight. 

“I like you,” he whispered. “I like you a lot. Enough that it could be really bad if I mess it up, and I’ve messed up so many times…” 

Caduceus stepped toward him again, coming close enough to touch. Fjord watched him, tense and uncertain.

“I've messed up too,” Caduceus said gently. “We all have. None of us are perfect. Life wouldn’t be very interesting if we were.” He sighed, trying to keep up with what was happening although none of it felt real. How many times had he imagined this moment? How long had he ached for it? _Focus._

“I like you too. A lot. I suspect it’s been obvious, despite my best efforts.” 

“I’m sorry,” Fjord said, because it felt like he should. Caduceus shook his head. 

“Don’t be. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable. If you felt pressured at all, or if you thought I wouldn’t help you if…” 

“No,” Fjord interrupted, “I’m sorry for...uh-”

"-You don't have to apologize." 

They both faltered. They met each other’s eyes. Fjord forgot what he'd been about to say. And then he laughed.

Caduceus smiled back, cautious, confused, but glad to hear Fjord's familiar chuckle.

The tension between them ebbed. 

"Well, this is going about as well as I expected," Fjord joked. He sat down. Caduceus followed suit; his head was spinning. 

Fjord picked at a scab on his wrist. Caduceus brushed his fingers through a patch of wild clover at his feet.

“...So.” 

“So.” 

Quiet again.

Caduceus spoke first. “Are you doing this because Pumat and I..?” 

Fjord paused. Caduceus watched him carefully—as carefully as he could in the dark.

“Honestly...Yeah, kind of.” 

Caduceus’ expression flickered. Fjord tried to organize his thoughts, praying that the words would be kind to him and would let him say what he meant to say. 

“I’ve felt this way for a while, I just never looked too closely at it. I don’t mind that you two—I mean, you deserve someone who’s good to you. I guess that night made me realize how badly I want to be that person for you.” 

Caduceus considered that. He remembered Pumat’s warm hands and gentle smile, his steadiness, the way he had shouldered everything Caduceus carried and driven his doubts away. He’d recalled that feeling almost every night, burying himself in the memory of it. Safe. Warm. Held. 

He wanted that again. And he'd wanted Fjord for so long, but he'd only just succeeded in letting go of that hope since leaving Zadash—to welcome it back into his heart felt like a dangerous thing. 

“Sorry,” he said after another long silence. "I'm just trying to think..."

“Take your time,” Fjord assured. “It’s a lot.” 

Caduceus smiled, watery. “Yeah.” 

He took a few deep breaths to drown out his racing thoughts. He focused on the grass and the moss beneath him, on the song of water over the rocks. He listened to the breeze stirring the leaves above him and followed the line of energy down from the crown of the tree to the roots, visualizing the winding network of life hidden beneath the soil, all of it breathing with him. His heart slowed from its nervous gallop. Calm eased into him where the earth pressed against his legs. 

“What about Jester?” Caduceus asked slowly. “You seem so…” 

Fjord nodded. “I love her. She’s my best friend. She deserves the world. I want her to be happy and safe and get everything she wants. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to make our relationship more...romantic, but that was as unfair to her as it was to you. Caduceus, I know I haven’t been a very good friend to you lately, and that I haven’t been here for you the way I should have been, but I promise to work on my shit. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be with you, if that’s okay."

Tears pricked the corners of Caduceus' eyes. He swiped at them, surprised and embarrased. 

“Oh. Sorry. I just...didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that,” he admitted with a chuckle. Fjord made a soft, concerned sound and rose to his knees, tentatively reaching out to rest his hand on Caduceus’ shoulder. Caduceus was frozen for a moment, then leaned into him. Fjord wrapped his arms around Caduceus, tucked his face into Caduceus’ hair, and held him tightly. 

It felt right. 

Caduceus pulled away after a few minutes. He could feel a headache forming at his temples. He tried to remember the last time he’d eaten something substantial—too long, probably. _Focus._ They weren't done. 

“I think I need...a little time before anything else happens,” he said evenly, though it terrified him. “I need you to be sure that you want it. It’s okay if this doesn’t work out in the end, I can accept that if it happens. Just, please, don’t make me any promises you can’t keep.”

Fjord’s heart sank at Caduceus' words. He finally understood how Caduceus had been feeling—how _Fjord_ had made him feel, all because Fjord couldn’t face himself. It took everything in him to not walk away again, certain he wasn’t worth this second (third, fourth?) chance. His answering nod was choppy. “Whatever you need. I’m here.” 

Caduceus sighed, every part of him exhausted. He took a few more moments to breathe and gather his energy for the journey back to camp. 

“Hey,” Fjord said gently. Caduceus looked up. He and Fjord were sitting close enough that their knees bumped against each other when Fjord leaned forward to rest his hand on Caduceus' arm.

“We’re still amigos, right?” 

Caduceus managed a thin chuckle. “We are.” 

Fjord smiled. “Can I take watch with you tonight?” 

“I would like that.”


End file.
